I haven't had the emotional bearings to blog this last two weeks, too much swirling around to even put into words.
First of all, the anniversary of my mother's death was last Monday. I don't know how the body, mind, and soul can sense those moments approaching but it does. The week before I was having dreams about here EVERY night; I dream about her often but this was EXTRA dreaming about her. I wondered why and then realized what time of year it was.
She was a librarian and she collected childrens stories. She often went to book signings and then kept the books on a shelf and when special moments approached she would give them to the kids. At the time of her death she had several on her shelf, and the one with Calista's name in it was "The Bridges to Terabithia". She had mentioned this book to me and told me that she was going to give it to Calista when she was around the age of 8. Ironically, we had taken it off the shelf here a few weeks ago and started to read it; we were getting towards the end and had cuddled up on Monday (the day of the anniversary of my Mom's death) to finish the book. I was sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't hardly read the darn book! I didn't realize it was so sad, and now realize why my mom thought it more appropriate that Calista read it when she was a little older than 3!
Grieving is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of work, and it doesn't seem to get easier with time; less sharp, yes, but not easier. At the same time, so many REALLY GOOD things have taken place in my life that probably would not have happened if she was still living. Yet there is that feeling that I want her to see how my life has taken shape; knowing how proud she would be of where my life has gone and where it is today. And every milestone in my childrens lives I want her to experience, because she LIVED for the kids, it is what kept her living as long as she did.
Okay, so now that I have gotten back into sad mode, I think I will go shower for the day, have a good cry and blog about the rest of my week later.