Friday, February 23, 2007


I started this list of some of the things, that really stood out this week, that I am really thankful for or moments that stuck out. I think I need to make a list, before bed , every night so that feeling of gratitude is fresh in my mind when I wake up in the morning. These are just a few of the things that I thought of, as my list would be miles long if I wrote everything down. It is amazing how much you find to be thankful for when that is your focus - oh, how I need to take my focus off the things that bring me down. So here goes.................


*the heat coming from the wood stove while the temps outside are hovering close to 0 degrees.

*the smell of woodsmoke.

*homemade guacamole and organic blue corn chips.

*"Mom, I love you! You are the best!"

*"Simon says act like a mom."............................."Oooo, gross, I'm not going to do that!" (That would mean that moms give too many hugs and kisses!! lol)

*sunshine, bright blue skies, and white -magnificent mountains.

*puppy snuggles.

*a clean house.

*a messy house.

*a visit from two very DEAR friends..........thank you Sheli! And Maija!! We love you!!

*a husband who works on over-drive to assure that his kids will always have a mom that is available.

*the beautiful Christmas lights on the banister that I am never taking down.
*The Four Agreements.



So many thoughts, feelings, and ponderings this last few weeks and just don't have what it takes to put them all into words that will be easily understood. I wish I had the words and honesty that my friend, Diana, has or the ability to even sort out what it is I am thinking and feeling. Too many years of being forced to shut it out I guess.

One of the things that has touched me A LOT is the book, The Bridges to Terabithia. We went and saw the movie last week and I was actually quite impressed with how well they did sticking to the story. You don't get to know the characters quite as well but you never do in a movie. They left out some minor things but nothing too disappointing. The one thing that did get left out is a few paragraphs at the very end of the story that deeply touched me.

I suppose with my thoughts on Diana today, who lost her daughter one year ago today, it caused me to want to post this very special exerpt from the book:

" He thought about it all day, how before Leslie came, he had been a nothing - a stupid, weird little kid who drew funny pictures and chased around a cow field trying to act big - trying to hide a whole mob of foolish little fears running riot inside his gut.

It was Leslie who had taken him from the cow pasture into Terabithia and turned him into a king. He had thought that was it. Wasn't king the best you could be ? Now it occurred to him that perhaps Terabithia was like a castle where you came to be knighted. After you stayed for a while and grew strong you had to move on. For hadn't Leslie, even in Terabithia, tried to push back the walls of his mind and make him see beyond to the shining world - huge and terrible and beautiful and very fragile? (Handle with care - everything - even the predators.)

Now it was time for him to move out. She wasn't there, so he must go for both of them. It was up to him to pay back to the world in beauty and caring what Leslie had loaned him in vision and strength.

As for the terrors ahead - for he did not fool himself that they were all behind him - well, you just have to stand up to your fear and not let it squeeze you white. Right, Leslie?

Right. "

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I haven't had the emotional bearings to blog this last two weeks, too much swirling around to even put into words.

First of all, the anniversary of my mother's death was last Monday. I don't know how the body, mind, and soul can sense those moments approaching but it does. The week before I was having dreams about here EVERY night; I dream about her often but this was EXTRA dreaming about her. I wondered why and then realized what time of year it was.

She was a librarian and she collected childrens stories. She often went to book signings and then kept the books on a shelf and when special moments approached she would give them to the kids. At the time of her death she had several on her shelf, and the one with Calista's name in it was "The Bridges to Terabithia". She had mentioned this book to me and told me that she was going to give it to Calista when she was around the age of 8. Ironically, we had taken it off the shelf here a few weeks ago and started to read it; we were getting towards the end and had cuddled up on Monday (the day of the anniversary of my Mom's death) to finish the book. I was sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn't hardly read the darn book! I didn't realize it was so sad, and now realize why my mom thought it more appropriate that Calista read it when she was a little older than 3!

Grieving is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of work, and it doesn't seem to get easier with time; less sharp, yes, but not easier. At the same time, so many REALLY GOOD things have taken place in my life that probably would not have happened if she was still living. Yet there is that feeling that I want her to see how my life has taken shape; knowing how proud she would be of where my life has gone and where it is today. And every milestone in my childrens lives I want her to experience, because she LIVED for the kids, it is what kept her living as long as she did.

Okay, so now that I have gotten back into sad mode, I think I will go shower for the day, have a good cry and blog about the rest of my week later.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Happy Birthday Jalen

Today is my nephew, Jalen's, 6th birthday!!! Happy Birthday Jalen!!

I called Jalen last night because I knew he had his party last night, even though his birthday is today. I said, "Dude, you are old!". He replied, "Auntie!, it is NOT old, it is older!! Old is when you are about to die and you are all spiffy!" I assumed spiffy meant that older people "dress up" more than us younger generation and didn't say much more about it, just got a good giggle. Later I was talking to Ren and she asked Jalen what spiffy meant and he said it meant saggy! I thought I was going to pee my pants from laughing. Oh, from the mouth of babes!

In other news...............we have had this little squirrel visiting our porch so the kids have been putting seeds out for them. Tristan remembered that Grandma and Grandpa used to have a box, hanging from a tree in their yard, that the squirrels nested in. He decided he was going to make a house for the squirrels so him and Martin spent their evening last night building a squirrel house. And it isn't just a box! This squirrel is spoiled, he has a HOUSE with nice pine chips and a deck! Tristan was so tickled and now has to find a place to put it where we can observe from the house.

Last night, on my way to take Kev to Youth Court, the full moon was out and sitting right on top of the mountains. It was absolutely one of the most beautiful things I have seen. It has been really clear so the sky is bright blue. I tried to hurry home to get my camera but since I was 7 miles away it took a little time and by the time I got the picture it was darker and the moon was much higher but, you can see by the picture, that it was still beautiful! My camera isn't as good as some so it doesn't do it justice but I am grateful to live in a place where this kind of beauty absolutely SURROUNDS us.

It has continued to stay between 40-48 degrees and everything is melting fast. It feels like spring but I'm sure it is just a tease, it is only February! The wind started blowing pretty good today and it makes the snow and water evaporate fast. We will usually get this kind of weather for a few days here and there and then dropping back down to 20 in between but this is just lasting for a very long time. I love the warmer weather but sad to see the snow go.